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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

My Current Condition, 7 Weeks Post Op

After seven weeks I can truly say you wouldn't know from looking at me that I had open heart surgery. I walk straight, stretch often, drive myself to therapy where I get on the stationary bike, and I can do small tasks like vacuum and brush the horse lightly. I do not have the stamina that I will one day have after months of therapy and building myself up to where I was prior to the open heart procedure, but the scar has flattened and still fades giving me hope. Another thing improving is that I have tapered down to my final dose of Prednisone for the next week, and then I will only have two weeks left of the side effects from that medication. It caused major emotional setbacks, weight gain, and worsened Lyme and coinfection symptoms. Of course, it is difficult to tell what is a worsened Lyme symptom with the steroids and no treatment, or what is medication side effects. What I know for sure is I can't even list how many symptoms have swamped me again. The major problems I struggle with now are massive depression and anxiety (enough that even my Lyme specialist changed me from Ativan to Klonipin at my check up appointment yesterday), nausea, joint and muscle pain that can leave me unable to move, muscle spasms, light sensitivity and even blurred vision, extreme short term memory loss, hearing problems, dizziness and fatigue, and concentration loss. I feel a lot of these symptoms like I had struggled with for the last few years when the Lyme and it's coinfections were worsened. My Lyme specialist heard me out and ordered antibiotics for me to take if I end up needing them in June even though my insurance will be ending them. This makes it so that I have them before the insurance runs out, in preparation for the inevitable evil. He also ordered a slue of blood tests to rule out any other problems that we could be missing by blaming everything on Lyme for the past few years. I want to make sure there is not something that is being missed, keeping me from getting better. I feel at the end of my rope, and the stress is affecting my friendships and general outlook on life. I just wish I could curl up in a ball and disappear most of the time. Even when some things look promising, like a generous donation from a loving angel to help repair my car, I still find myself questioning why I am in such a predicament. I struggle with keeping optimistic when everything around me seems to be collapsing. What will I do if something goes wrong with my heart recovery after my insurance is gone? Why has someone like me been stomped on by the system that was made to help people like me? Why does no program have the ability to help me, and when will things start looking up? How come no medicine ever works enough to make me cured, and will I ever be cured? These questions circle my brain day in and out, and I feel as if nobody could understand the emotional pain I'm in. I find myself not wanting to talk to anybody when the end of the day comes, and I just want to hide in my bed. When the sun rises I struggle to want to move from bed to head to rehab, where I will be walking and biking and questioning how I ever enjoyed exercise. I used to feel empowered and strong trying to exercise alongside people at the gym, and encouraged to improve myself. I can't help but struggle with this depression and feel so alone and so beaten. I know I have the best support system in the world, with a man that I love, and my mother's overflowing support. I wish that could erase any negative thoughts or feelings I have, but I find myself feeling empty and distant. I want to be quiet and observant when in a public environment, instead of outgoing and involved like usual. I hope this will pass, and I go into my disability determination appointment tomorrow knowing that he will see into this pain I'm in and understand the severity of my condition.

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