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Friday, December 28, 2012

Update: Side effects of Levaquin

At my last appointment with my Lyme specialist about a week ago I was put on Levaquin, Zithromax, Omnicef and Coartem. This is a regimen that last year at this time when I was doing really well I was on, along with IV Rocephin that I had already been on for months. The problem is that last year before my concussion I dealt with some really painful Tendonitis in my elbows while working. This year, after just five days on Levaquin, I can feel it in my wrists and traveling up my arms. Its incredibly painful, to the point its hard to type and drive, and the side effects do list that as a concern. The doc switched me to a different medicine in place of that but I will probably be dealing with the lasting effects of the Tendonitis for a week or more. I still have to work, but I did end up taking a few days from work off so that I don't have to do four days in a row with extremely painful wrists. Now I just wait to see if it helps at all. In the meantime I just keep chugging, and trying to keep my head above water with all the current symptoms I'm facing. I do have a loving friend base to get me through this time and for that I am forever grateful. The New Year will hopefully bring new health and new hope and new love, and I am excited to turn 18, feel better, kick this Lyme and start a new life path to forever.

This is a picture that was taken of me a few years ago when I was feeling well.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Neverending Struggle

Since the PICC line came out, every day has been a struggle. The medicines I am on don't seem to touch my symptoms, detoxing is a chore, and my stomach has grown so sensitive. I spend nights nauseas and mornings tired and sore. I search for answers to my questions inside, instead of reaching out. My depression is off and on since a recent break up, and I just keep smiling. How much strength it takes to look in the mirror and say to myself, 'None of it matters, you are beautiful, and no one can even tell you are sick! Now just convince yourself you aren't!'

If it only was that easy. Today was spent in the doctors office again, trying to decide about a case of what feels like walking pneumonia. The Physicians main concern is that liver inflammation can hurt just the same, and a cough could just be irritating a secondary problem. She ordered blood tests and a hundredth ultrasound and recounted how my lungs sounded clear even though they hurt like a helium filled balloon popping. Yet again, I recount how my life is never boring. So in two days I will get the ultrasound and hopefully know by Friday what is going on with my delicate body! I have been waiting for the approval and word of the local organization that is supposed to be supporting and assisting with the local teen lyme support group in order to get the email group started. It has taken a lot longer than it should have! I just hope they get started soon, because I am ready to open it up on my own accord and try it out to see if I can perfect starting good thread conversations. I just wish I had more patience and energy to undertake such a huge responsibility. This is why I need some support and help from healthy people! I should be on the radio the week of the WLNH Children's Auction( 98.3) speaking about partners in health and the Lyme Disease a little bit. Hopefully I can hear the voice clip before then because I haven't gotten any word on that yet either. Crossing my fingers! So this is the extent of my current situation, still struggling and sick without answers, growing new hope, meeting new people, starting my part time job again soon, and hoping to finish school before the end of the summer. I need serious prayer to get me through such activities so I can keep remembering I have a purpose and need to keep reaching out for it!

New Beginnings

My life is never boring. This is something that I came to terms with years ago! After the blood clot healed I realize I still have some pretty frustrating symptoms and my health is definitely a concern. But I have been worse in the past, and I am not as concerned to stop everything I am doing to keep my spirits up. Getting out and continuing pushing through is good, I feel like it is mandatory to not succumb to an illness that for some can be deadly, for many disabling, and for all frustrating. I try to highlight the ups instead of the downs, so to speak. For my friends wondering how I truly am doing on the inside, I am having a hard time. Holding myself together has always been a challenge I've faced, and not one with an option of losing. I am a fighter, not someone who flees the scent of a solid challenge. Within the past few weeks I have driven myself into the honor guard through the civil air patrol and embraced my ability to teach and inspire 10 new members! I make it fun fr them as much as I can, because there is only so much fun we can live without in life. I share my passion of feeling the practice rifle whipping around my fragile body with the honor guard, and we all laugh and forget all our troubles. Our performance is Thursday night, the perfect chance after three weeks to show the world how these kids can do amazing things when lifted up! Carpe Diem!

Being sick is hard enough, but adding regular daily life struggles on top make it almost impossible. Right when I feel like cracking and just submitting to the pain and depression building inside, I concentrate that fatigue and pent up anxiety on a hobby, passionately fixating on it to give me a reason to flourish. This buys me the time until I can rebuild that confidence and keep swimming deeper into the blue unknown of my future. With college coming up and things vastly growing into new opportunities I find it hard to settle on the thought of being settled. After all, my entire teenagehood was spent struggling day to day, fighting for normalcy, and stressing myself to keep smiling. At this point I'm not ready for college, for life. I find myself in the position of many ill teens, I just want to live my life before it has to live me! I think daily about the chance to feel well for a week, and what I would do with it. For me it would be like winning the lottery. I would throw away all my common sense, and travel the country, then the world non stop! I would pull an all nighter, embracing the chance to not have to sleep 10 hours straight in order to get out of bed in the morning. Bringing my family and what few friends I enjoy with me, I would experience physical pressure that is ensured in skydiving, surfing,  scuba diving, a marathon! In reality those dreams crash, I don't want to dissapoint myself after all. Plus, there is no need to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, or climb a wave that a shark might be readily beneath. I still have fun in other ways meeting new people, waiting for health, learning new songs on guitar, feeling the sprained fingers after perfecting a more intense spin with a rifle, and watching the glow on the faces of people I can touch emotionally and support with my whole heart.

I am returning to church once again, and it finally feels right. My ideals have been so strewn after years of learning different concepts and researching the bible for myself. I spent countless hours crying for the Lord to just take me away and he never followed through. Now all I can think is how lucky I am for those unanswered prayers. This new church makes me feel alive, like I belong. They remember me and include me in the new youth group. The worship swells my heart and the teachings fill my brain. I get it, finally. The happiness, the surrender, the hope, the light. Like nobody ever would imagine, I find myself thankful for everyday small things again, the baby fish in my aquarium, the sunrise at 7 am, the beat of a flowing song, the smile of a stranger. I hope I can bring other people to this point, where joy is not just an adjective but a verb, flowing out of me in the smallest sometimes most invisible ways. I wish I could bottle up hope, even the tiniest bit of it that I have left, and share it with the world. Empowerment is a strong feeling, and I feel empowered to change the world even if I don't know how to go about that.