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Monday, December 3, 2012

New Beginnings

My life is never boring. This is something that I came to terms with years ago! After the blood clot healed I realize I still have some pretty frustrating symptoms and my health is definitely a concern. But I have been worse in the past, and I am not as concerned to stop everything I am doing to keep my spirits up. Getting out and continuing pushing through is good, I feel like it is mandatory to not succumb to an illness that for some can be deadly, for many disabling, and for all frustrating. I try to highlight the ups instead of the downs, so to speak. For my friends wondering how I truly am doing on the inside, I am having a hard time. Holding myself together has always been a challenge I've faced, and not one with an option of losing. I am a fighter, not someone who flees the scent of a solid challenge. Within the past few weeks I have driven myself into the honor guard through the civil air patrol and embraced my ability to teach and inspire 10 new members! I make it fun fr them as much as I can, because there is only so much fun we can live without in life. I share my passion of feeling the practice rifle whipping around my fragile body with the honor guard, and we all laugh and forget all our troubles. Our performance is Thursday night, the perfect chance after three weeks to show the world how these kids can do amazing things when lifted up! Carpe Diem!

Being sick is hard enough, but adding regular daily life struggles on top make it almost impossible. Right when I feel like cracking and just submitting to the pain and depression building inside, I concentrate that fatigue and pent up anxiety on a hobby, passionately fixating on it to give me a reason to flourish. This buys me the time until I can rebuild that confidence and keep swimming deeper into the blue unknown of my future. With college coming up and things vastly growing into new opportunities I find it hard to settle on the thought of being settled. After all, my entire teenagehood was spent struggling day to day, fighting for normalcy, and stressing myself to keep smiling. At this point I'm not ready for college, for life. I find myself in the position of many ill teens, I just want to live my life before it has to live me! I think daily about the chance to feel well for a week, and what I would do with it. For me it would be like winning the lottery. I would throw away all my common sense, and travel the country, then the world non stop! I would pull an all nighter, embracing the chance to not have to sleep 10 hours straight in order to get out of bed in the morning. Bringing my family and what few friends I enjoy with me, I would experience physical pressure that is ensured in skydiving, surfing,  scuba diving, a marathon! In reality those dreams crash, I don't want to dissapoint myself after all. Plus, there is no need to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, or climb a wave that a shark might be readily beneath. I still have fun in other ways meeting new people, waiting for health, learning new songs on guitar, feeling the sprained fingers after perfecting a more intense spin with a rifle, and watching the glow on the faces of people I can touch emotionally and support with my whole heart.

I am returning to church once again, and it finally feels right. My ideals have been so strewn after years of learning different concepts and researching the bible for myself. I spent countless hours crying for the Lord to just take me away and he never followed through. Now all I can think is how lucky I am for those unanswered prayers. This new church makes me feel alive, like I belong. They remember me and include me in the new youth group. The worship swells my heart and the teachings fill my brain. I get it, finally. The happiness, the surrender, the hope, the light. Like nobody ever would imagine, I find myself thankful for everyday small things again, the baby fish in my aquarium, the sunrise at 7 am, the beat of a flowing song, the smile of a stranger. I hope I can bring other people to this point, where joy is not just an adjective but a verb, flowing out of me in the smallest sometimes most invisible ways. I wish I could bottle up hope, even the tiniest bit of it that I have left, and share it with the world. Empowerment is a strong feeling, and I feel empowered to change the world even if I don't know how to go about that.

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