Nastar Racing

Today I woke up to 2 inches of fresh snow, white outlined trees and sun sparkling through the crystals all over the ground. It's finally begun to look like winter in my neck of the woods, and I used the opportunity to embrace it and complete my first race this season. I bundled up in my new skin tight racing suit called a GS suit and hit the slopes with my friend from the school race team, Kayla. We did 6 runs for ten bucks and had a blast, and I ended up getting third place and receiving a bronze medal. There is a light at the end of every tunnel, and if I can persevere through a PICC line, two sprained fingers, tendinitis in both elbows, knee pain, and sight problems to take third on my first race of the year than I can make it through anything. This was the renewal of hope I needed in my life. A sure spike to my confidence level, and a pat on my sore back to encourage me to keep my chin up! I will be looking into more races in the future, and definitely picking it up more next year.

5 Little Monkeys Sleeping on the Bed

It's time to get a bigger bed. I have had an adjustable bed for about three years and it has been wonderful as I've spent many nights sick to my stomach or having to sit up after taking medicine so not to erode my esophagus. However, I am a teenager in a twin sized bed with three cuddly cats and of course my mama. We certainly can't all fit at once, I barely fit as is with my five pound kitten. So I decided it was time to upgrade to a full sized bed. This way on days that I'm sick or suffering depression I will have enough space for a companion, be it animal or human, to fit next to me and pet my head. Sometimes you just need your mama to lay down with you and listen to you cry. I realize I can't have that with a twin sized bed and an adjustable full sized bed is too much money for us right now. My goal is to get a regular full sized bed in fair condition as an even trade for the $300 adjustable twin bed I currently have in very nice condition. The mattress is well known as the comfiest bed in the house and among my friends, so i'm sure somebody out there will adore it. After I got home from work today I used my energy to turn on all my many lights (I'm a fan of light with white furniture, 3 windows, a 5-headed lamp, a ceiling fan, a lava lamp, a touch reading lamp, and 3 light enhancing window shades), and take some pictures of the naked bed for craigslist, face book, free cycle, etc. Now it's just the wait to find someone who so happens to be seeking to buy or trade with us for this beautiful bed that's treated me so well over the years.

Day 7

It's the final day of the seven day challenge. Today has shown me that seven days just isn't enough to get inside anyone's head. I have found that blogging everyday is challenging yet rewarding. Its therapeutic almost like journalism. I need to be using this website to not only keep my family and friends up to date on my recovery, but to show other people with chronic illnesses or handicaps that I will get better and it's okay to have bad days. We all learn lessons from mistakes and problems we encounter in our lives. If I can share my lessons with others, maybe they won't take the three strike rule to realize they need to listen. One lesson I realized today was I have no ability to pace myself. I push way too hard, and I don't know how to say no. When I think I feel better, I say yes to everything, fill up my schedule, and forget that I should take at least six months of symptom free days before I take on more than two activities. Then, just like before, I am declining health wise and stuck in a snowball effect of promises and responsibilities that I can't maintain. It's more efficient time wise to make a limit. Two activities is a safe bet, because you can pick a mandatory one that will effect your future, and a fun one that will give you purpose and enjoyment in life. For example, school work and a sport, or work and volunteering. Life is all about balance, and Lyme patients have to have even more balance than they believe they need. Balancing diet, physical activity, stressors, responsibility, and relaxation is mandatory. I am in the process of redesigning my life so I can take a step back and balance everything again. Today I couldn't even attend Civil Air Patrol because I woke up this morning on my one day of the week off from work and couldn't move from bed. My mom brought my a small lunch and my IV Nurse changed my dressing in bed. When I moved at 3:30 pm I was so dizzy and nauseas from napping that I cancelled the nights plans, and went right back to bed. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to sit with me and pet my head, or listen to me complain when I'm miserable. Not give me advice or motherly comfort, but that's okay sometimes too. The point is that there is a time for both, just like there is a time to be proactive and there is a time to be reactive. I have made choices that I now have to be reactive to, but next time I will be proactive and control my choices. If I could give major advice to any sufferer of any road block anywhere, it wouldn't be to keep your chin up, because sometimes the sun will get in your eyes, it would be to be proactive, and put on those sunglasses before you put your chin up so the sun will not affect you as much.

Day 6

I've persevered for my few followers on to day 6 of my 7 day blog challenge. Today has been a weird day. I haven't been in bad spirits, but I have been distant with thoughts and pressures of what is going to occur in my future. I had a visit from my home visiting nurse this morning. She comes once a week, takes my vitals, checks my IV for problems or infections, changes the dressing around the PICC line, draws my blood, and notes any changes in medicine or how I'm feeling. She can't come any less than once a week so I will see her again tomorrow since we are switching my day to Thursdays, my day off. She had a student with her today so she was running a bit late, which meant we had 10 minutes to zoom through a dressing change so I could rush off to a mediocre day at work. I worked from 10-5, pushed through two rushes and smiled at everybody as nonchalantly as I could. At the end of the day I was ready to go home, because there was family drama I wanted to be home for. I made it in before 5:30 pm, which felt great! That gave me enough time to suffer an hour of showering duties, and think about how I didn't have the energy to do the laundry or dishes that needed to be done, and how I didn't have much of a gluten free selection for dinner. My mom took off to go grocery shopping with my dad so I caught up on two episodes of the TV show 'Castle' about a detective and a writer in NYC. Its a good show, takes me to the fantasy of a world where the main characters are completely healthy, carrying out high energy jobs without a problem and thinking through major screenplays that my brain can barely comprehend as the viewer, forget the writer! It's been a long day with fairly warm weather and a lot of thought. I'm sure my brain will be relieved to turn off for a few hours as I sleep. Finally got Melatonin so I should sleep well tonight for the first time in a week! Off I go!

Day 5

I'm over the half way mark of this seven day challenge and I'm quite convinced that it has almost been healthy for me, like a public journal, and maybe I'll be blogging way more often after this week is done. Today, in the grand scheme of things, has been a very good day. I woke up early to witness my PCP or personal care physician overreact about my fingers that turned out to be not broken, just slightly sprained. Then I received a call that I was written on the work schedule for 10-6 when I was told 2-8. So I rushed around with my new shiny finger splints and flew off to work. The socialization I get working at Gunstock is refreshing. Hundreds of people come and go, and many regulars return to see my smiling face and sometimes even tip me a dollar or two! It surprises me how many people coming and going look familiar to me, but my brain just blocks out the information I need to remember their name or where I remember them from. I still smile and wave and hope for a release of memories to save me from embarrassment.

Today I realized there is a lot of pressure on me. I knew this all along, the past couple weeks with my life flowing like an icy river, to the hours in the day that change like the wind. Gunstock doesn't have winter forever, and soon I will be jobless. I'll have to get a summer job to pay for insurance and save money for a vehicle for myself and maybe even emergency savings. I need to catch up on school, maybe reduce the amount of current shifts I'm taking so I can survive health-wise. There are too many things on my mind that are stressing me, and I would never be able to remember all of them at once, but there's more to my life than meets the eyes.

Day 4

Four is not my lucky number I guess. Today has been a terrible day. My fingers are taped to Popsicle sticks, and  work was painfully busy. I was in so much pain all day that it wore me down to the bone. I couldn't fight off the cold temperature when I stepped outside to walk to my car, and I just wanted to sleep the entire drive home. I'm suffering such a bad spout of depression right now. I don't feel this way all the time, and sometimes I want to cry but can just keep working through it, like when I working ski check and have something else to think about or when I'm at CAP and vulnerability is not an option. I can't be an emotional mess in this world. I have things to get done. But right now I'm officially the dictionary definition of mess. It's so hard to sit here with tears streaming down my face and think of how I'm supposed to describe what I feel like right now, what's going through my mind right now. I really don't think I can, or that I should have to. I'm highly discouraged, and my body has run out of available energy to draw from for optimism. We all reach this point, now it's my time to fight through it and overcome it with the amazing friends I have.

Day 3

I'm so tired my eyes are burning and my head is aching all over. But before I go to bed after a long day I must do a small day 3 post to continue on my 7 day challenge! This week is Massachusetts school vacation week so Gunstock will be bustling with vacationers getting in their skiing and snowboarding time. I work 5 days this week, and hope I'll get some time to breath in between the rush. I have schoolwork to do but no brain power to get going with, and I have fallen back on the job of taking care of myself. I realized tonight that I am out of pro-biotics which usually causes yeast problems, Melatonin which helps me sleep, and b-12 for energy. I really need to find time to stop at the health food store! I tried a new church this morning, and got to visit my miniature horse. While I was in the paddock getting Miracle, another horse started kicking and caught my hand in a few good whacks. My middle finger and ring finger on my left hand are all torn up and I believe sprained. The fun never ends for me! Now I have to suck it up and go lift baskets and bags all day tomorrow. Mike was with me for the day too. I feel like outer support systems do try to understand, but us chronically ill people give them a harder time then we think. I wish I could go back to the gentle soul I was before Lyme where I had no worries and just smiles and optimism. Maybe I'll feel that again some day in the future!